You have seen the headlines. "Economy in the dumpster." "Cell phones cause tumors." "Britney Spears releases new single." Without a doubt, we have no shortage of issues. Still, it is one of the problems that consistently eludes the headlines that may be one of the most pervasive. I refer to the all-to-frequent occasions when two people on a collision course awkwardly shift, slide, and shimmy horizontally back and forth trying to evade impact.
It has happened to you before, and it was unpleasant. I know. You walked toward someone as they walked toward you. The both of you noticed that something had to change, and both moved to get out of the way. The only problem was you both moved the same direction, then to correct you moved the other way, and so did they. In a matter of seconds, you and your walking impediment turned into prudent 6th-grade slow dancers.
Problems abound, but hope springs eternal. Change is coming ("Yes we can"), TRL is going off of the air- meaning Britney's "Womanizer" will get fewer spins- and I, your humble blogger, have come up with a solution to the uncomfortable meeting of two people attempting to proceed in opposite directions.
I propose to all Americans, that in an effort to avoid unfortunate pedestrian-pedestrian fiascos, we transplant the rules of the road to the sidewalk. It is about time someone explicitly laid out the protocol. In concordance with my proposal, no longer would people converge with their legs pumping up and down like defensive backs preparing to make a tackle. Instead, applying the rules of the road will tell us to go to the right. One quick sidestep will do and you are home free. "Well I like to walk in the middle of the path," you might retort. Like driving on a dirt road or in a neighborhood with no oncoming traffic, it is okay to be in the middle, until someone comes at you. Then, just as if you saw headlights coming over the horizon while driving down the center, move to the right.
The implications of this installation stretch beyond head-to-head walking. The rules of the road must also be regarded when rounding corners. Have you ever made a 90 degree turn around a corner and -BAM!- smacked into someone? If not, it is more likely that you have at least had that "whoa" moment after rounding a corner to come face-to-face with someone with whom you narrowly avoided a uvula-shaking, hypothalamus-rattling, thoracic duct-rocking hit. If making a right turn around a corner, it is permissible to make a tight turn (or even scrape the corner if that makes you feel cool). The source of most turning-related problems lies in left turns. Keeping with the road theme, you will remember from driver's ed that when there is two-way traffic (as there almost certainly is when walking) left turns are to be made to the far lane. A tight left turn onto a two-way street puts a driver in the path of on-coming traffic, as it does for a walker. So please, leave space for others when making that left turn to return to your seat after a trip through the burger line.
If you are having trouble pondering the proposed pedestrian path, look at the icon above, and imagine one person is coming from the left side of the screen, and one person is coming from the right, moving toward the middle of the icon.
Disclaimer: The "Just Like the Road" plan is intended to be enacted in the United States of America, locomotive norms may vary by country.
Further questions can be directed to your local department of transportation. Thank you for your time.
